Ask Amy: ‘Controlling’ husband doesn’t ‘imagine in women’ journeys’


Expensive Amy: I’m a married lady in my mid-60s, now retired. My sister (who’s divorced) invited me on a “lady’s journey” to hike the Scottish Highlands.

We dwell on reverse coasts and don’t see one another typically. After I informed my husband concerning the journey, he gave me main pushback. A few of his objections are:

1. I might be spending our cash on a trip only for myself. (We aren’t wealthy, however this is able to be reasonably priced.)

2. As a married lady, I ought to be reserving my travels for my husband, not with single girls.

3. It will solely result in different journeys with out him.

4. He doesn’t “imagine” in women’ journeys.

My husband could be very controlling. He would positively make my life depressing if I accepted this invitation, so I turned it down, since I’ve to dwell with him. However what’s extra upsetting is that as an alternative of being comfortable for me for getting a chance to do one thing enjoyable and enriching, he’s resentful and obstructionist.

He did say that he’ll agree provided that he comes alongside, even though he has by no means needed to do a visit like this! Am I in want of counseling? We now have been married for 30 years and have had our ups and downs.

I’d love to listen to your take.

Caught: “Ladies’ journeys” and “guys’ journeys” should not articles of religion that an individual must “imagine in.” These sojourns, which vary from easy afternoon hikes or rounds of golf to abroad excursions (like your sister’s) might be emotional ports of name for folks, offering a method to reconnect with members of the family or associates with out the strain of performing for — or entertaining — spouses, companions, or kids.

And — large bonus — many individuals return from these journeys renewed and really comfortable to see their companions.

Many fortunately collectively {couples} go away house for each other to take occasional journeys like this, budgeting their funds accordingly.

It’s ironic that your husband is insisting to go together with you, all whereas he’s demonstrating that he’s most likely the final particular person you’ll need to go anyplace with. I might say that he’s appropriate on this one regard: Sure, it will result in you taking different journeys with out him — in your case, into the workplace of a counselor and/or a lawyer.

This episode has revealed your husband’s deep insecurity, expressed in his effort to repress, manipulate and management you.

Expensive Amy: Greater than 10 years in the past I left an emotionally abusive relationship.

On the way in which out, he threatened my life and took a number of thousand {dollars} from me as “cost” for the emotional turmoil he mentioned I’d precipitated him, and as an assurance that he would by no means contact me once more.

True to his phrase, I’ve managed to keep away from him for the higher a part of 12 years, till the previous few months when he has begun to just accept invites from a mutual pal with whom I’ve held an in depth relationship all through this time.

The pal is conscious of our previous relationship, however not the circumstances. As a consequence of embarrassment for permitting myself to have been handled so poorly, I’ve informed nearly nobody the small print.

Now I’m torn whether or not to inform the mutual pal that I can not attend group occasions with this particular person. I don’t need to quit the friendship, or dictate who another person might invite to their very own house, however I can’t abdomen being within the presence of this abuser. Ought to I say one thing?

Torn: Sure, it is best to say one thing — to the police. Theft/extortion is a really critical crime. And in case you two made a tacit “no contact” deal, isn’t he near violating it by inching nearer to your social circle?

When it comes to your mutual pal, it is best to make it clear that you’ll not be in the identical room together with your ex. Ask to be informed if he’s included in an invite.

Expensive Amy: I used to be extraordinarily upset in your reply to “Leech BFF,” who talked about sharing her streaming password together with her “mooching” pal.

Dissatisfied: Scores of readers objected to the truth that I uncared for to label this as theft.

And although that is true, it’s so extensively achieved that streaming providers at the moment are cracking down on this type of “sharing.”

In line with news accounts, beginning subsequent yr, Netflix will permit just one “house” per account, and extra houses might want to pay further to make use of the identical account.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content material Company

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