Ask Amy: How can I repair my relationship with my estranged granddaughter?

Expensive Readers: Such as you, I’m usually interested in what occurs to the recommendation I supply readers as soon as it leaves my desk, and so I’ve requested readers to ship in “updates” to let all of us understand how my recommendation was obtained, if it was adopted, and the way issues turned out. The responses have flowed in, and I’m and infrequently gratified to study what affect this expertise has had on readers.

This 12 months I rejoice my twentieth 12 months of scripting this column. Publishing these updates jogs my memory that we’ve got been by way of so much over these previous many years. A few of these updates learn like postcards from previous associates, and I’m pleased to share them.

(You will need to perceive that the majority of those updates supply a constructive end result. I assume it’s because when issues go properly, individuals are extra prepared to share their expertise.) To refresh all of our reminiscences, I’m operating the unique Q&A adopted by the replace from the reader.

Expensive Amy: My 14-year-old granddaughter and I’ve change into estranged. Her dad and mom cut up up after 14 years of residing collectively. She selected to reside along with her dad, whereas her mom (my daughter) and my 5-year-old granddaughter got here to reside with my husband and me for the previous 18 months.

I helped elevate my older granddaughter from infancy, as her mom was a young person when she gave start for the primary time. We spent a whole lot of time collectively and had a really shut and loving relationship. My granddaughter continues to shun her mom and me. (Her father has concerned her of their breakup, and he or she has taken his aspect. He speaks horribly about our household.)

It’s so painful. My therapist says to remain in contact along with her and provides her time, however her rudeness is tough to take. It doesn’t matter what I try and do or say at this level, corresponding to let’s spend a while collectively and go to the mall or perhaps the museum, she takes this the mistaken means, as if I’m making an attempt to guilt her. She ignores me or turns me down.

I’ve heard she misses me, but each try I make to spend time along with her is met with disdain. What ought to I do at this level to not additional alienate her? Will this ever get higher? I miss her terribly.

Nana: Out of your description, her father is influencing your granddaughter and stopping her from having a relationship along with her mom and the remainder of you. That is tragic and sadly widespread when dad and mom undergo an offended breakup.

When you consider it, you’ll understand that your granddaughter does probably not have any selection. To have an in depth relationship along with her father, with whom she lives, she has to separate from you. She is doing the one factor she is aware of do to maintain the peace at dwelling. Consider her as a survivor: That is how she is managing her untenable place.

I agree along with your therapist’s recommendation to provide her time. I might additional encourage you to proceed to be a loving and affected person grownup in her life. She deserves to have a member of the family who will forgive her teenage flaws and love her anyway. Assume that she misses you (and her mom and youthful sibling!) very a lot.

Her rudeness and makes an attempt to push you away are protecting instincts. Persist in your makes an attempt to remain in contact along with her and keep constructive, however don’t push her an excessive amount of. Her reactions will change as she adjusts to her scenario and matures. You need to be there when she is prepared.

(Revealed in November 2011)

Replace from “Her Nana”

Expensive Amy: Sure, I took your recommendation. My husband and I have been so very near our granddaughter till this powerful divorce. She selected to stick with her dad who had frequently stated dangerous issues about her mom, my daughter, and notably me. It damage me deeply when she frequently shunned us and I virtually gave up, however you suggested me to maintain at it it doesn’t matter what.

And that’s what I did. You stated to be there when she was prepared. Properly, after 5 years, when she was about 17, she slowly began letting us again in. She and her mom turned very shut once more. And she or he turned our loving granddaughter once more. She is now 26 and a candy and caring younger girl. I’m glad to have the chance to lastly thanks.

Nana: My favourite end result: A cheerful ending.

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content material Company.

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