For years, she has barely bothered with the emails and handouts detailing key information. Instead, she constantly relies on me to tell her what she needs to know — which I’ve been doing from the kids’ kindergarten through college applications.
If I say the info is listed online at a website, she’ll ask for the link to the exact page. For something particularly complicated, such as Eagle Scout projects or college applications, she’ll ask me to walk her through every step — often requesting documentation of links or resources. It’s extremely time-consuming. If I say I can’t remember, she’ll hound me to look through my notes.
She’s smart, healthy and capable. Her husband is involved and helpful. We have similar workloads. Why does she do this?! I’m all for pooling parent resources and helping a friend, but after 18 years of this, and with two kids still coming up through the ranks, I’m tired. She justifies the dynamic by saying, “It takes a village!”
This villager is wondering how I get her to start doing her own research, without coming off as an unhelpful friend.
Tired: It does take a village. But sometimes, the villagers take up their torches and storm the castle. You’ve been your friend’s clerical assistant for over a decade. If you want to stop now, you’ll have to calmly and resolutely retrain her.
Unless she has a learning or literacy challenge, I’d say that she has demonstrated a genius-level aptitude for manipulating you into doing her work for her. Hounding works!
Here’s how to get out of doing her bidding. You say, “Whew, I’m tired. I’m going to let you get your children across the finish line. You can do it! I’ve been your faithful villager, but now I’m going to accept my merit badge and retire.”
Dear Amy: Am I obligated to attend a wedding shower and to give a gift? My niece-in-law (my husband’s niece) has postponed her wedding for many months due to covid. They are now going to marry on a tropical island.
My husband has been invited, but my daughter (age 15) and I have not been invited. My husband will be spending over $3,000 just to get there and stay in a hotel for three days. He still wants to give a generous gift.
Now my mother-in-law is planning to give a shower in honor of her granddaughter. If I don’t go, I feel like my husband’s family will be upset with me. If I do go, do I have to give a gift?
It seems like a lot for a wedding I wasn’t even invited to. I mean, I am not invited, but my money seems to be.
Showered: If you are not invited to the wedding, you shouldn’t be invited to the wedding shower. That is basic logic, as well as basic etiquette. So first you’d need to determine if you are actually invited to the shower.
If you are invited and don’t want to attend (completely understandable), you should simply have something else to do that day. Don’t act out, don’t huff and puff over the indignity of it all — just be busy that day. If your husband’s family has the gall to be upset with you over this, well — this is just a pain they will have to learn to live with.
You should not be nervous about earning their esteem. Stay cool, polite and respectful. Your husband is representing the family at this wedding. That will have to be enough.
©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency