Ask Amy: Is it mistaken to maintain buddy’s confidences secret from companion?

Pricey Amy: My vital different, “Danny,” believes within the adage that there are “no secrets and techniques” between {couples}. I largely agree when it comes to our secrets and techniques. Nevertheless, in terms of the confidences of my family and friends, I gained’t share tales that aren’t my very own.

Danny and I met via our mutual buddy “Jack.” Jack and I are shut (he’s homosexual), and he usually tells me issues in confidence that he doesn’t additionally share with Danny. Danny has stated this makes him uncomfortable.

Not too long ago, Jack confided a secret that he made clear he has not shared with anyone — besides these in his closest circle. That secret may be very more likely to come out quickly and can have ripple results in our buddy group. Since this was revealed to me, I’ve struggled with whether or not I ought to share this secret with Danny, regardless that I nonetheless consider that it’s not mine to share.

My query is: What do I “owe” to my companion to fulfill his said should be completely open and sincere in our relationship? What are my different associates and family members entitled to when it comes to my discretion?

I’m conscious my emotional closeness with Jack has made Danny really feel a little bit “lower than” up to now. As such, I by no means share something vital with Jack that I’ve not already mentioned with Danny.

I’m assured that Danny is ok with this friendship, however he doesn’t like my holding of Jack’s secrets and techniques. Is honesty one of the best coverage?

Questioning: Pals ought to perceive that, when disclosing one thing to you, you gained’t gossip to others, however you may share one thing together with your companion based mostly by yourself judgment. Your buddy “Jack” appears to have lots of secrets and techniques. Is it doable that you just and he are complicated the idea of a “secret” with that of straightforward discretion?

Jack not too long ago confided in you that he has additionally shared this (alleged) secret together with his “closest circle.” Does “Danny” qualify? Did Jack expressly ask you to not inform Danny? And if that’s the case, why? If Jack usually swears you to secrecy concerning occasions in his personal life, it is best to look at why that is so.

I agree with Danny that once you’re in a life partnership, total you shouldn’t preserve issues from each other, however it is a judgment name, and it is best to belief each other to make this name. (You gained’t disclose your sister’s prognosis to him with out her permission; he gained’t disclose his buddy’s marital issues to you with out permission.) Pals ought to assume that you just may focus on issues together with your companion, until they ask you to not.

My learn on that is that Jack’s need to regulate info could be his approach of controlling your friendship.

Pricey Amy: I’m an avid gardener. My fellow gardeners and I usually give — and commerce — vegetation to get pleasure from. It’s lots of enjoyable and enhances all of our gardens. A buddy of mine not too long ago informed me, fairly offhandedly, that whereas I used to be away on trip, she introduced a spade to my home and helped herself to a few yard vegetation that we had mentioned beforehand and that I knew she cherished.

Truthfully, I might in all probability have fortunately given these vegetation to her, however I couldn’t consider that she did this with out my permission. I genuinely consider she felt these vegetation have been on our “free to take” checklist, however I don’t like the best way she did this, and I’m questioning the best way to reply.

Unfastened: The vegetation in your backyard are your property, a lot the identical as your front room couch. Nevertheless, not like your couch, they’re in your yard and susceptible to a plant snatcher. It could have been exceedingly simple in your buddy to textual content or name you to ask whether or not she may come by and dig up these vegetation. She selected to steal them as an alternative.

You need to inform her: “I don’t like the best way you dealt with this. This can be a boundary problem for me, and I’m disillusioned that you just didn’t wait till I used to be house.”

Pricey Amy:Caught within the Center” wrote saying their mother and father consistently advise their grownup son to get a level and a “higher” job, regardless that he has an amazing scenario now. Subsequent time this comes up, he ought to ask them point-blank, “What’s mistaken with my job now?”

They could not notice how elitist or judgmental they sound.

Reader: These grandparents have been unrelenting; pushing again might need helped.

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content material Company.

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