Ask Amy: My ex-husband ignores me at household gatherings


Pricey Amy: My ex-husband and I had a troublesome, drawn-out divorce after 26 years of marriage, with eight years of unhappiness and nil intercourse (the shortage of intercourse and the preventing over cash had been resulting from him, not me).

After the divorce I moved again to the Midwest, moved in with my expensive mother and father and struggled to restart my profession, and have moved on with wholesome actions and friendships/relationships over the previous decade.

Our kids are all adults now, and the ex and I are introduced collectively extra typically due to births, weddings, and so forth., however he continues to completely “ghost” me. He by no means greets me, by no means directs a phrase towards me and even appears to be like at me. My pals and daughter inform me: “Simply ignore him. He desires nothing to do with you.”

That is nonetheless hurtful to me in any case this time. I nonetheless ship him birthday playing cards, emails and notes occasionally. How do you suggest I take care of this?

Pricey Exed-Out: Ghosting is when somebody mainly ceases all contact.

For those who didn’t attain out to your ex with birthday playing cards and different messages, you wouldn’t really feel fairly so “ghosted,” as a result of each time you attain out, you’re triggering an expectation that your contact will encourage your ex to react or reply. You could cease.

Sure, this can be very impolite for him to be in your presence at a household occasion and to behave as for those who don’t exist, however he doesn’t wish to have something to do with you, and he’s attempting mightily to not have something to do with you.

I counsel that you need to try to cordially share area with him throughout household occasions, greeting him verbally (if he doesn’t reply, that’s his downside) and behaving neutrally in any other case. In brief, sure — ignore him.

Pricey Amy: As a retired minister, I’m often requested to guide funerals or weddings. Most pastors don’t cost a set price for such companies however usually obtain an honorarium. Previously yr, I ready and led a number of funerals and a marriage. I acquired nothing for one of many funerals and fewer than $100 for the marriage.

Evaluating that “present” to the 1000’s spent on venue, clothes, leisure, drinks and dinner, I couldn’t assist however really feel as if my work was completely unvalued. The quantity acquired didn’t even cowl my mileage!

After all, it doesn’t matter what the worth, I put my coronary heart into these companies of worship, however they demand exhausting work and many time, and pastors do have bills. I cannot set a price, as a result of I’m prepared to serve these whose monetary assets are really restricted. Any solutions?

Puzzled: It appears to me that as a retired minister, you need to truly cost for conducting a service. You might be primarily a pastor-for-hire, in a position to settle for or decline requests that come your method.

My idea is that most individuals merely have no idea if — or how — pastors are compensated for “additional” companies, they usually imagine it’s too awkward to inquire.

Whenever you obtain that first inquiry, you need to state: “I cost XX to carry out a marriage service. This contains conferences with the couple prematurely of the ceremony, conducting the rehearsal, and the marriage ceremony itself.”

For a funeral, you would possibly state: “I usually cost XX to carry out a funeral. Would this current an extra hardship for you? If that’s the case, I’d be prepared to scale back or waive my price.”

Total, I’m suggesting that you just merely be form and clear on the outset. You’d be doing households (and your self) a favor.

Pricey Amy: I’m responding to the query from “Baker” about supplying sugar- and gluten-free meals for a relative.

I used to be born with a medical situation which means I need to abide by a extremely restrictive food regimen. After I was a child, dietary restrictions had been exceptional and infrequently talked about. My prolonged household believed that my mom and I made all of it as much as get consideration. At household gatherings, whereas my prolonged and speedy household ate pie and goodies, I had a cup of water.

I by no means held any resentment towards them, however I all the time felt excluded. Other than some occasions when my mom might make one thing particular for me, I all the time wished and hoped that others would possibly make meals that I might get pleasure from together with everybody else.

Excluded: I can think about how this will need to have felt. As I mentioned to “Baker,” offering meals that her visitor might safely eat is the appropriate factor for a bunch to do.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content material Company

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