Ask Amy: Ought to I expose ex’s misconduct earlier than his board appointment?


Expensive Amy: Over the course of our 16-year marriage, my ex-husband usually acted impulsively, in ways in which had been maybe defined however not excused by his bipolar dysfunction.

Simply after our second baby was born, he kissed and groped a scholar on the native school whom he’d employed for a small job. The coed was appropriately indignant and received a lawyer to threaten a civil case in opposition to him for sexual harassment. To keep away from this turning into public, he accepted the lawyer’s proposal of a $40,000 fee in alternate for her silence.

I felt horribly complicit in maintaining this secret, however with a child, a toddler and an upside-down mortgage, it was arduous to think about doing in any other case. Our marriage survived solely to climate a number of years of his opioid habit, which as soon as once more drained our life financial savings.

4 years in the past, I lastly left him, received counseling for myself and our teenagers, and located happiness.

He remarried and maintains a constructive popularity as a businessman and philanthropist. Lately, I used to be shocked to be taught that he’s a candidate for a prestigious appointment to the board of the alumni basis of that very same native school. I really feel as if I ought to expose his previous conduct to the muse, however I’m second-guessing my motives.

I don’t need to cope with the harm from a nasty marriage by lashing out; I’d reasonably ignore him and transfer on. Alternatively, the younger lady on whom he pressured undesirable contact can be an alumna. How would she really feel seeing his face on the board?

I don’t have a report of her final title or the lawyer’s, a lot much less a replica of the paperwork, so if I do report this historical past, it might sound like gossip to them. What’s the best factor to do right here?

— Unwilling Secret-Sharer

Unwilling: You must search authorized recommendation relating to your choices and the results on all events.

I’m not a lawyer, however (to me) your ex-husband’s conduct sounds extra like sexual assault than harassment. His option to buy his sufferer’s “silence” for a big sum implies that she most likely signed a nondisclosure settlement prohibiting her from disclosing or discussing the assault. I’m assuming that you simply didn’t signal an NDA.

Even when your ex has utterly reformed, and understanding that he has paid his debt to his sufferer (however not society), he’s fairly actually returning to the scene of the crime in an exalted place, and I believe this previous conduct is germane.

Earlier than being appointed, he is likely to be requested to signal a doc guaranteeing that he has not been the topic of a lawsuit involving the school. If he does so, and lies about it, he might face penalties that might be far worse than the school merely withdrawing this provide.

For those who care about this establishment, you may also take into account that its popularity will likely be adversely affected if it appoints your ex and this settlement is later uncovered. I counsel you contact the school.

Expensive Amy: I’m at an age when many individuals retire. Sadly, I’m not in a position to do this. All the identical, I’m attempting to plan forward. My monetary adviser needs to incorporate within the planning any potential inheritance I’ll get when my remaining father or mother dies.

I don’t really feel I can ask my 90-year-old mom how a lot she’s leaving me! That’s simply crass. Do different individuals really get this info prematurely? I perceive why it might be useful to have, however I don’t know the right way to deal with this. I’d admire your recommendation.

Nonplussed: Sure, some individuals obtain very detailed details about their dad and mom’ estates, and this may be very useful. In case you are your mom’s solely baby, it might be a good suggestion for her to tell you about her plans, in at the very least normal phrases.

You might ask her: “Mother, do you may have a will drawn up? Do you may have an executor who has entry to all of the paperwork? My monetary adviser has steered that it might be a good suggestion for me to know at the very least the fundamentals of your property planning.”

Expensive Amy: Your snarky response to “No Gaslight” about households mendacity to their youngsters concerning the existence of Santa Claus made me mad. I don’t imply to disrespect you, however I’ve to level out that your opinions aren’t legitimate, as a result of your opinions are simply based mostly in your private beliefs.

Observer: No disrespect taken. As a result of what you describe is definitely the very definition of an opinion.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content material Company

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