Carolyn Hax: Buddy hides new boyfriend for concern he’ll get stolen


Tailored from a web-based dialogue.

Pricey Carolyn: My good good friend “Bonnie” and I hadn’t seen a lot of one another for the previous yr since I took a brief task in one other metropolis. We’ve been texting, calling, video-chatting and many others. all alongside and I used to be so blissful to listen to she’d met somebody and is getting severe with him. I couldn’t wait to fulfill him.

Each get-together I attempted to rearrange after I bought again fell by means of, they usually even canceled final minute to a dinner at my home. I used to be beginning to get apprehensive one thing was fallacious, so I got here out and requested Bonnie what was occurring. She lastly advised me she doesn’t need her boyfriend to fulfill me as a result of I’m the precise kind of girl he finds most tasty, and he or she is aware of when he sees me he’ll understand it and that would be the finish for them.

I’m damage that she thinks I’d ever do something together with her boyfriend, I’m mad that she’s prioritizing him over us, and I really feel sorry that she has such low shallowness. She’s each an exquisite particular person and a fairly lady. What do I do now? Is that this friendship over?

Bonnie’s Buddy: How very unhappy. And weird.

Has she even thought concerning the endgame right here? The place she and Man by no means depart the home?

If that is new insecurity for Bonnie, then you must take into account whether or not her new boyfriend is breaking her down mentally and emotionally, introducing such self-doubt. For instance, how would she know you’re “the precise kind of girl he finds most tasty”? It could simply be that Bonnie’s seen images of exes they usually all type of resemble you, positive — however I can’t be the one one who has a prickly feeling that he’s reminding her consistently of who he finds engaging and the way far she falls in need of that excellent.

If it’s not new, then Bonnie was in all probability on this street lengthy earlier than you or the man. Similar want for assist, given how excessive her possessiveness is, however totally different sources and dangers.

No matter what’s occurring, she wants a gradual and supportive good friend, even one from afar. Second, don’t let howlers like her feedback stand. Problem her reasoning: “Will you by no means depart the home then? Received’t another person catch his eye ultimately? Are you okay residing in fixed concern of his leaving?”

Or simply: “Bonnie, for those who’re not his excellent as a whole particular person, then he’s not the man.”

It helps that you simply haven’t met him as a result of now you may’t criticize him. You’re simply stating counterpoints to her self-negating views.

This gained’t magically repair something, it form of goes with out saying. However it’s a robust pro-Bonnie stance that I hope you’ll take and preserve. She’s in hassle. Keep up a correspondence, maintain inviting, maintain your cool.

Carolyn: Bonnie all the time has struggled a little bit bit together with her shallowness. Her sister was a cheerleader and actually a mannequin for some time and her dad and mom favor sister due to that. Bonnie stated that her boyfriend noticed a pic of us collectively and stated I seem like Lara Croft and that began this spiral of doom for her. Sigh.

— Bonnie’s Buddy once more

Bonnie’s Buddy once more: Omg. I simply wish to throw issues proper now.

Assuming you haven’t tried this but: Each time this previous emotional damage overwhelms her, please say to her, “Bonnie, your dad and mom have been [glass bowls]. You’re superior. Cease. Now: Dinner, all of us, Friday?”

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