Carolyn Hax: Can a married person comfort unhappily single friends?

One of the friends suddenly snapped at me and told me she knows sheās being bitter, but people who havenāt been single in a long time lose sight of what itās like, so I just canāt understand and canāt act like I get it. It stung, especially since I am going through all kinds of things that arenāt about my relationship and never lash out at my friends that they canāt understand what Iām feeling.
So now Iām trying to figure out what some right things are to say when this comes up, or do I regard them silently or say just, āMmmm,ā for however long they talk about this topic? That doesnāt sound like a very good friend to me and I want to continue to be close and be there for them. I just donāt seem to be doing it right?
ā The Source of Bitterness
The Source of Bitterness: There is no ārightā way to say something people donāt want to hear, and people with complaints about being single donāt want to hear from the recently married person unless they say otherwise by asking your opinion directly. That part is straightforward, and, yes, your role is to āMmmā and āUghā and āYeahā at all the appropriate times to demonstrate that youāre listening and you care. When in doubt, ask whether they want your āremindersā or just your ears.
But thereās a part of this that isnāt as simple ā there has to be, or else we couldnāt talk about any experiences that arenāt precisely shared.
It starts with humility: recognizing that your value to your friends isnāt as a source of life knowledge but instead as a source of knowledge of your friends themselves.
So whenever the urge bubbles up to say something general from your experience, redirect it into something specific to theirs or specific to them as people.
And if youāre not sure what to say, then let your friends tell you what they want from you. āSo, what do you think?ā Or, āWhatās your plan?ā Or, āIs there anything anyone can do?ā Ask your way toward being the āvery good friendā they want to have.
It also takes humility to own it when they let you know the wisdom of your experience, even generalized, is not what theyāre looking for here, as your snapping friend just did: āYouāre right, Iām not in a position to know what youāre feeling. I am sorry for suggesting I did.ā Nothing kills a good message faster than a defensive messenger, so drop all defenses upfront. Even though it stings.
But also donāt be afraid to articulate your message clearly as a way of standing up for yourself: āWhen thereās something going on in my marriage, Iām going to talk to you guys about it ā whether youāre single at the time or dating or cohabiting or married or divorced or widowed. Because to me itās our experience with each other that counts.ā
Your being paired while theyāre single is merely one group snapshot of multiple changeable lives. (As you were attempting to point out to the friend who didnāt want to hear that. But you asked me. Ha.) Friendships manage to run unbroken through these changes when all parties understand implicitly that whoās up or down relative to whom can change in a day ā and you are there for and committed to each other regardless. I hope that proves true of you and these friends.
Dear Carolyn: My spouse and I agree politically, mostly, but I have a need to talk about it and express my opinion ā usually anxiety, for the past few years ā and he ādoesnāt want to hear about it.ā
This is very stressful for me, on top of the existing stress. What should I do?
Anonymous: Respect his wishes ā and his boundary ā find someone else to vent to, and be very, very thankful you two mostly agree.