Carolyn Hax: Do motives matter in questioning buddy’s uptight partner?

Tailored from two on-line discussions, right here and right here.

Expensive Carolyn: When my finest buddy married, my response to her alternative of partner was, “Huh?” [picture my head cocked]. My very own partner was additionally puzzled: He’s not a nasty man; however neither of us ever clicked with him.

Over time, I’ve discovered myself privately wishing they’d get divorced. I’ve witnessed him flipping out at my buddy over one thing that wasn’t my buddy’s fault; and he or she’s even mentioned, “God, he is controlling.” He’s what I’d name tightly wound.

My query is, how do I do know if I really want for my buddy’s happiness no matter what I consider her decisions; or whether or not I simply have a want to be “proper?” Do you’ve got a components?

Wishing: I typed out an entire difficult reply, then deleted it. Simply be there to your buddy. Inform her you’ll take her calls 24/7. And if she says, “God, he’s controlling,” reply with, “I’ve puzzled — what do you assume you’ll do? Good world.” Ask her what she thinks, does, plans to do about the issue. What she’d like from you. Be affected person, and be the place she will be able to discuss. Take note of how she’s doing. Use the Nationwide Home Violence Hotline for extra steerage.

Expensive Carolyn: My daughter is 15 and has her first severe boyfriend, a highschool classmate. Complete household likes him to an applicable diploma. Like, he’s not “the son I by no means had,” and I don’t relate to him like a future in-law, however I believe he’s a pleasant child and am glad my daughter is slicing her tooth on a relationship with somebody who’s sort to her.

My daughter is recently feeling actually dangerous as a result of she’s been creating an curiosity in another person in her orbit — a neighbor of ours who’s a couple of yr older and goes to a special college. She has shared with me that she looks like a nasty girlfriend as a result of she is extra excited to speak to this different child than to her boyfriend. She feels so responsible; she looks like she’s dishonest.

It appears to me that she is dropping curiosity within the boyfriend; the pet love has run its course (I do not use that time period after I discuss to her). I consider that is what the teenage years ought to be like, and would a lot quite see her discover and meet new folks than get tied to this one boy ceaselessly by way of inertia and comfort.

Do I simply let it run its course? Is there a way to assist message this to her, that it’s okay to fall out of affection with a primary boyfriend, with out being condescending?

Oh, Sweetie: She: I really feel like a nasty girlfriend as a result of I’m extra excited to speak to this different child than to my boyfriend.

You: Yeah, that is all regular. I am sorry. What do you assume you will do?

She: [Some version of “I don’t know,” or, “Stay because he’s my boyfriend.”]

You: It is okay to attend to see how you are feeling. What would you need him to do if he began falling for another person? How would you wish to be handled?

Questions are your buddy. They’re agency steerage, of their method, but not incompatible with letting issues run their course.

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