Carolyn Hax: Fiance will get deeper in debt and lies to cowl it up


Adapted from an online discussion.

Expensive Carolyn: My fiance is actually, actually dangerous with cash.

We have now been collectively for 5 years. After we began relationship, I discovered that he owed about $8,000 on bank cards. I helped him work out a finances to pay it off, and he ought to have been virtually executed by now. Within the meantime, I’ve been paying for every part aside from lease, which we break up, as a result of he was paying down his debt.

I not too long ago discovered that he fell behind on his credit score funds and racked up late charges and penalties, which he promised he wouldn’t do. Whereas hashing this out, he owned as much as having two different secret bank cards. One has silly, pointless issues resembling video video games on it, and the opposite he has used to purchase me a good looking engagement ring, so I really feel terrible about being mad — however I’m.

Additionally making me really feel dangerous is that he’s actually ashamed of himself. He refused my supply to mortgage him the cash to get out of debt, however he additionally stated he doesn’t need me on his again about this. He’s refusing to go to credit score counseling, saying he obtained himself into this mess, and he’ll get himself out.

I really like this man and consider he’s sincerely ashamed, however I nonetheless really feel betrayed and disgusted. What can I do?

It’s one factor to have an issue; no person’s good. However when an individual’s response to an issue is, “I refuse to go to [thing that will help me get well], as a result of I obtained myself into this [type of unwellness], so I’ll get myself out,” with no historical past of measurable progress from utilizing this strategy, then you could have the a lot greater issues of stubbornness, inflexibility and delight — which can make you depressing.

Whatever the specifics of the supply of distress.

He had 5 years to repair his [stuff] and didn’t. He lied to you as an alternative. Bye! Beginning at this time and hereafter, don’t burn your cash or peace of thoughts on individuals who don’t do what they are saying they may and who allow you to do all of the work.

If/when he matures sufficient to stay, share and handle his [stuff] truthfully, then he’ll be prepared for the equal partnership of marriage. It doesn’t need to be with you.

· He’s not dangerous with cash; he’s dangerous with reality and honesty. It simply manifests itself monetarily.

· Don’t simply verify your credit score. Put a freeze on it. It will shield you from anybody (fiance, hackers, mail thieves) opening a bank card account in your title.

· My marriage ended over $100,000-plus debt that my ex-husband accrued shopping for shares on bank cards. I foolishly agreed to a second mortgage to repay his bank cards, placing my title on his debt. Three months later, one other $30,000 in bank card debt for inventory purchases.

· Oof. Carolyn is completely proper. Take it from me, who divorced a person she actually cherished who exhibited the identical indicators that I ignored out of “love.”

It wasn’t the “subject” itself (ours wasn’t cash), a lot because the underlying issues of mendacity, sneaking, avoiding massive points, missing communication and being cussed. And “not wanting you on his again” after he spent years letting you choose up the payments whenever you thought he was fixing his points in your future collectively? No. All of the nos. That reveals an absence of integrity.

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