Carolyn Hax: Gifted teen sees sister’s relationship as ‘menace to her music’

Tailored from an internet dialogue.

Expensive Carolyn: I’ve two daughters. “A” is 16, a junior in highschool. “B” is 15, a freshman. B confirmed a present for music at a younger age. We inspired her present, and he or she works extremely laborious. When B was in junior excessive, she outgrew the assets we had in our city. B was accepted right into a performing arts highschool on partial scholarship, however this required a transfer to a brand new metropolis. My husband and I obtained approval to work remotely from the brand new metropolis, A is attending the general public highschool, B is on the performing arts faculty. B is completely thriving at her new faculty.

At a live performance, A met a boy in B’s part and so they began relationship. B has the form of focus and depth that loads of gifted folks have, which makes them actually great at their present however not all the time in a position to see the large image. B sees this relationship as a menace to her music and desires A to interrupt up with him and date someone at her personal faculty. A refuses. A and B are actually participating in verbal barbs continually, and it’s getting very troublesome to reside with. My husband simply ignores them and says they’re “doing teenage stuff.” I feel that is approach past regular teenage arguments and there are some very damage emotions. I wish to speak to the women individually and collectively about this. My husband refuses to, but in addition received’t cease me if I attempt. Do I speak to them, or simply let it play out?

Tell us: What’s your favorite Carolyn Hax column about becoming an adult?

Mum or dad: Firmly to B: “You don’t get to inform different individuals who they’ll date. Not your sibling, not anyone. You don’t have to love it, however you don’t get to determine.”

Nip the bud of this selfish considering instantly. B already feels the facility of transferring a complete household to serve her pursuits. This occurs typically, and will be for good causes, but it surely nonetheless introduces an pressing want for steadiness when the alternatives for it come up organically, lest your family fall beneath the tyranny of her “present.” That is a type of alternatives. Inform the tail it doesn’t wag this canine.

To A, the one speaking to is, “I’ve made it clear to B this isn’t her enterprise, and my recommendation for you now — and my request — is to not interact when she oversteps into your corporation.” And: “Keep out of hers, too. No payback.” (Full accounting for adolescent tastes.)

· You reeeeaaaaallllly have to take a step again and consider the way you deal with and think about your children normally. You’ve allowed one daughter’s wants to find out an entire lot of selections about what your whole household does — which, given her items, isn’t inherently a nasty factor, however which does imply you could be sure you’re displaying your different little one you worth her as effectively. As a substitute, you’re bending over backward to justify your youthful daughter’s extremely inappropriate response to this case by framing it as simply part of her giftedness. It sounds as if your older daughter has gone together with all this with out grievance. In order for you her to spend time with you willingly 10 or so years down the street, you could view her as somebody equally as essential as your musician.

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