Carolyn Hax: Guardian feels harm that son will not have his pals over

Tailored from an internet dialogue.

Pricey Carolyn: My 17-year-old son is uncomfortable bringing pals to our residence. We reside in a big previous home that my husband and I see as quirky and attention-grabbing, and that he sees as drafty and cluttered. Each are true. A number of years in the past, my dad and mom moved out of the three-story residence the place that they had lived for greater than 40 years and my dad closed his regulation workplace. We ended up absorbing lots of books, furnishings, information, workplace provides, cookware — “good” issues that I don’t wish to simply take to Goodwill, and that we now have been progressively paring down.

I feel we now have accomplished a very good job of eliminating issues whereas working full time and elevating a household. Apparently, my son doesn’t. He would really like a contemporary, minimalistic residence with purebred canine who don’t shed, sparse furnishings and good-quality electronics. We’ve a rambling Victorian residence with giant bookcases, a wooden range, canine who drool and my dad and mom’ previous TV.

I can’t assist however really feel personally rejected when he says he doesn’t wish to convey his pals right here. He says I shouldn’t take it that means, however he additionally admits there isn’t actually some other approach to take it. He additionally says he feels unhealthy figuring out how a lot this upsets me, however he can’t assist the best way he feels.

I in all probability put far more weight on this than he means. I see it as his not respecting the monetary selections we made to reside right here so we might pay for classes, groups, and so forth. for him and his sister.

His sister has pals over typically, and I like that we now have gotten to know them so nicely.

I wish to respect that he has informed us the reality, and customarily we now have a very good relationship, however my reality is that I really feel as if I’ve been punched within the emotional intestine. The place can we go from right here?

Intestine-Punched: Nowhere. He was trustworthy about his emotions and preferences, and also you have been trustworthy about yours. Now you shut the matter and reside your lives.

You like one another and also you respect one another and, nicely, he’s not going to hang around at your home along with his pals. It’s a bummer, not a disaster.

If you need, although, you’ll be able to let it’s a motivating power to “pare down” much less progressively, or to maneuver the stuff to a storage unit to kind from there. Or simply let it go, as a result of valuable few unused “issues” are “good.”

Even then, it’s attainable your son gave you the softer model of the reality. Some youngsters simply don’t wish to play out their social lives inside earshot of household. It doesn’t need to be nefarious or sneaky, both; it may be a character trait to want extra privateness, or a developmental stage.

Regardless, I’ll amend my do-nothing reply barely: Dial the catastrophizing again from 11 to a few six. He’s 17, differentiating himself and poised to launch, and he’s displaying you (with obvious honesty and self-awareness) that he’s prepared. Good job, dad and mom and child. Good for all of you, although it feels unhappy to let go.

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