Carolyn Hax: Quickly-to-be ex-husband talks trash about their divorce


Adapted from an online discussion.

Expensive Carolyn: My soon-to-be ex-husband is a mendacity coward, telling everybody and making social media posts claiming our divorce is “devastating” and “gut-wrenching” when none of that’s true. He’s the one who doesn’t love me anymore. After 27 years collectively, he sat me down and advised me he needed an open marriage, as a result of he’s not drawn to ladies my age, that means his personal age, although I’ve stayed in form and he has not.

I’ve extra self-respect than that, so I filed for divorce. I don’t want his cash, and I’m shopping for him out of our home. I made him transfer into the visitor room, and I can’t wait till he strikes out completely. Within the meantime, I’ve tried to take care of my dignity and shield our grown kids by refusing to debate the main points of our divorce.

However now I’ve to listen to him mendacity to our sons about being depressing. I want I might say this isn’t affecting me, however I really feel undesirable and undesirable, and I discover each sag and grey hair like I by no means did earlier than. I’m being made to be the dangerous man when I’m really the wounded celebration. Ought to I shut his [sheet] down by telling everybody the true story of our breakup? I need to however am nervous I’d remorse airing the soiled laundry later.

The Wounded Occasion: He’s not mendacity, essentially. He is mendacity within the mattress he made (I can use “actually” right here, appropriately!), however that doesn’t imply he’s not genuinely depressing, devastated, gut-wrenched. The distress of the bed-maker is form of the entire level of the adage. He needed his comfortable steady marital residence and freedom to bag youthful babes. Oopsie…

You, splendidly and rightfully, handed him his [butt cheeks], gift-wrapped. This not solely absolves you of getting to elucidate something to anybody, as a result of both the world will see by way of him simply wonderful by itself or sufficient time will move for it to not matter, but additionally makes each sag and grey hair about you drop-dead attractive. Company is gorgeous. Congratulations.

· You may defend your self with out being express. “He made it clear he needs one thing completely different, and I didn’t need to be married on these phrases.” And in the event that they press you for the main points, say, “That’s between the 2 of us.” There’s a number of energy in talking your reality, no matter whether or not they imagine you.

· You may say one thing thought-provoking, equivalent to, “I hope any youngster of mine would withhold judgment in the event that they weren’t sure they knew all the main points.”

· There isn’t a airing required to say in truth and easily that, sure, you had been shocked when he needed out of the kind of marriage you had promised to one another. Presumably your vows had been understood to be an endorsement of monogamy on the time, sure?

· It appears completely applicable to say: “He needed an open marriage, and I didn’t. So I filed for divorce.” True and quick and does probably not invite questions.

· Simply because you’ve gotten determined to not inform your kids doesn’t imply you can’t speak to a great therapist or a trusted good friend and correctly air out what’s going on.

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