Ex has ‘creepy’ curiosity in my life. Carolyn Hax readers give recommendation.


We requested readers to channel their inside Carolyn Hax and reply this query. Among the greatest responses are beneath.

Hello Carolyn, I’ve an ex-boyfriend of about two years who continues to behave in a manner that means an unhealthy stage of curiosity in my life. I’m very fortunately courting somebody who I met six months after breaking apart with my ex. On the time, my present boyfriend was separated (for causes having completely nothing to do with me), and the divorce was pending. After seeing a photograph of me with my boyfriend on a good friend’s social media account, my ex despatched a number of “observe” requests to my boyfriend by means of social media which he ignored. Then, he tracked down my boyfriend’s ex-wife to succeed in out to her. After that, he contacted me with (demonstrably false) claims about my boyfriend’s previous. This all appeared unhinged, and I dismissed it with one very curt response that I used to be doing superb and wished no additional contact.

Over a yr later, my ex noticed one other social media put up displaying that my boyfriend and I had purchased a home, and he emailed this data to my boyfriend’s ex-wife (they’re now absolutely divorced). I’m disturbed by this stage of fixation two years after we broke up, however I’m unsure what to do about it. This appears designed to impress a response from me, and I believe a response can be rewarding dangerous habits. On the identical time, somebody ought to level out that that is deeply creepy and inform him to knock it off. What would you counsel?

Again Off: I might be protecting cautious information of all of this, with as a lot element as potential, together with dates. That is in case it’s good to get a future restraining order or file stalker fees. I’d additionally see if somebody out of your native police division (ours has a non-emergency quantity with a neighborhood liaison officer who is sweet about answering all method of questions) can speak to you about state and native stalking legal guidelines and if you may need grounds for a restraining order. This man is certainly unhinged and has veered into stalker territory.

Again Off: As somebody who has handled an attention-seeking and poorly behaved member of the family, I can let you know that ignoring is your best possible plan. Not simply ignoring it but additionally discovering a strategy to take away all connections to the ex. Filter emails on to the trash, block all cellphone numbers, and so forth. It permits you to to clear head house and never enable your ex in — or a lot much less continuously. Any engagement together with your ex not solely rewards his dangerous habits but additionally encourages extra of the identical.

I don’t know if there are avenues to contain police as a result of this doesn’t appear to suit the case for cyberstalking. It’s one step faraway from you — going to the boyfriend’s ex and never you — though it’s, after all, tremendous creepy. In case your boyfriend is on good (sufficient?) phrases along with his ex, he can ask her to dam your ex, too. As well as, anybody who your ex reaches out to can hopefully shut it down.

If every individual your ex’s reaches out to then reaches out to you, it could set off you once more. So maybe, “I’m utterly over Ex’s shenanigans. Please ignore him, and for my very own psychological well being, don’t let me know if he’s reaches out once more.” Your ex is on the lookout for both a manner in or simply to get again at you and make you mad or anxious. Rally your troops to disclaim him any factors of entry.

— Darmen from Nashville

Again Off: Sure, your ex is making an attempt to impress a response from you. Any response is a reward that provides him incentive to maintain scary. If having his deeply creepy habits identified to him would immediate him to cease, he would in all probability be self-aware and wholesome sufficient to not interact within the first place. As counterintuitive (and unfair) because it feels, not responding in any manner is your best choice.

This follow is mentioned at size in Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear,” a wonderful useful resource to equip one’s self to deal with this and different varieties of undesirable consideration. In my very own expertise, I did two issues to reclaim a way of management that made “Do Not Reply” a better rule to observe: (1) I restricted how the individual may contact me or discover private updates — I blocked them on all social media and blocked all communication apart from e-mail, permitting a minimally invasive strategy to monitor any correspondence for escalation; and (2) I requested the opposite individuals in my life this individual was more likely to contact to additionally block and never reply to them. We stored one another knowledgeable of any correspondence or indicators of escalation any of us obtained. In the event you can’t coordinate like this instantly with everyone you need to, begin with your self and your boyfriend, restrict what others can share about both of you on social media, and increase the circle of belief as you’re ready. I’m sorry you need to take care of this. Good luck.

Each week, we ask readers to reply a query submitted to Carolyn Hax’s reside chat or e-mail. Learn final week’s installment right here. New questions are usually posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are nameless except you select to establish your self and are edited for size and readability.

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top button