Now that taking offense has turn out to be a nationwide pastime, Miss Manners wants to tell apart between two styles of the exercise.
The primary is sifting by means of the fixed unsolicited etiquette recommendation from family and friends with reference to offensive language. For that, you’ll have to use your individual judgment, remembering that correcting one other particular person’s manners is, itself, impolite.
The second is avoiding offending an precise particular person, versus a theoretical one, and for this, the principles haven’t modified: Keep away from generally acknowledged phrases of offense; know your viewers; and if you happen to see that you’ve got, unintentionally, given offense, apologize. Anybody who doesn’t settle for a sincerely provided apology for using a newly minted and never but usually accepted offensive time period is being impolite.
Pricey Miss Manners: My fiancee and I are planning our marriage ceremony. She is displeased that I insist on following the rule that spouses should be invited collectively or in no way. Her grandmother is married to a person who has an extended historical past of abuse in opposition to different members of the family; he additionally occurs to hate me for bigoted causes. This man just isn’t welcome at our marriage ceremony. My fiancee needs to ask solely her grandmother, leaving the husband off of the invitation.
Whereas I’m sympathetic, I informed her we will’t invite her grandmother alone, and due to this fact we should always not invite both of them. Etiquette apart, I really feel that the grandmother shares some culpability for what has occurred.
My fiancee thinks I’m being unreasonable, and we’re at an deadlock. Ought to I put my foot down, or ought to I make an exception, regardless that I do know it’s improper?
Earlier than you set your foot down, you need to study the bottom you might be standing on. Few etiquette guidelines are free from exceptions.
The seriousness of the accusation in opposition to the grandmother’s partner leads Miss Manners to imagine that you’ve got severed all relations with him. If this is the case, it supersedes the requirement that he be invited. Grandma can come, however the offender must keep residence.
If, as a substitute, your use of the phrase was extra metaphorical — a means of claiming that, whilst you tolerate the husband at each household occasion, you discover his habits disgusting — then the rule about inviting {couples} reasserts itself, and you’ll have to select between probably insulting your fiancee’s grandmother or as soon as once more tolerating her boorish partner.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday by means of Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You may ship inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, missmanners.com. You may as well comply with her @RealMissManners.
